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[dothelokimotion]

@ tricks
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[dothelokimotion]

[ the corners of his eyes crinkle. ]

I loved the library in the palace. I used to stay there for days. Thor had to drag me out.

[thirtythird]

And you were probably actually reading, clever thing. I only want a quiet place for a nap.

[dothelokimotion]

There are worse places for a nap.

Were you trying to hide in the library?

[thirtythird]

[William has to blink at that. It's hardly surprising Loki is perceptive; it's just strange, after all these year, to still be learning things about himself.]

Sometimes, yes.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki smiles faintly. ]

We all need places to hide ourselves away.

[thirtythird]

The best and worst company one can find, hm?

[dothelokimotion]

. . . I don't really remember if I ever had company there.

[thirtythird]

Aye, the company of oneself. The person who remembers all your accomplishments and failings best.

[His attention drops to their joined hands, studying the patter of twined fingers.]

I had one of my first kisses in a library.

[And it had taken a while to get that one out of the failings category, apparently.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ ah. his fingers tighten briefly. ]

With whom?

[thirtythird]

[A slight shift presses his wedding band more firmly in against his own finger. That gets a pleased twitch of his own smile despite the oddity of wading through this particular memory.]

A friend. A boy called Malcolm. [Another shift to set his thumb smoothing idly across Loki's knuckles, contemplative; present.] I'd just kissed his sister the day before, and I was fairly certain he was going to rough me up a bit for it. But... he kissed me instead.

[Brave, William can now acknowledge. Foolish, all the same.]

And then I hid in my father's library for-- days.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki looks seemingly confused. ]

Because of a . . . kiss?

[thirtythird]

I had no idea what to make of it. That it had happened or that I had enjoyed it.

[A problem very much of his place and time--which is, as ever, an oddly wonderful thing to realize.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki continues to look a little perplexed, but he nods. asgard was very traditional in certain aspects, but gender and sexuality had never been one of them. loki was loki, regardless of which form he took or who he enjoyed. ]

Ah. A confusing time.

[thirtythird]

It's quite difficult, being young. [Regardless of the constraints or freedoms society allowed, he's fairly certain.] Trying to sort through yourself. Build the person you'd like to be.

[Although he's fairly certain it had been easier for his friends who weren't concerned about the legal status of their sexual inclinations.]

Do you remember your first kiss?

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki shakes his head. ]

No. It was centuries ago and there was never anyone . . . real enough to connect to. I believe I did it simply because I felt I was . . . falling behind the rest in carnal matters.

[thirtythird]

[His laugh is reedy, head shaking very slightly.]

No winning, is there. You get in trouble for starting too young and a panic for starting too old. [Another tight squeeze of fingers before he pulls his husband's knuckles to his lips.] Bit easier with every year, though.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki smiles faintly. ]

I suppose it does. I suppose I just . . . never trusted love. I never had any reason to after . . . everything that happened.

[thirtythird]

Are they always linked, do you think? Love and physicality?

[dothelokimotion]

[ hmm. ]

It depends on how you approach it. I can use my physicality the way I choose. I am not bound by gender or shape. And I have used it to get what I want.

[ especially on sakaar. ]

But when I don't need to . . . why does it matter? As long as I can demonstrate what is felt.

[thirtythird]

[Difficult to parse, but inherently reassuring.]

Would a house demonstrate it well?

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki takes in a steadying breath. ]

It would mean . . . a future. Are you . . . sure about that? I'm not — I don't have any answers.

[thirtythird]

That's all right, love.

[It's a learning process, navigating this uncertainty, but it doesn't hurt to face now.]

I would like, very much, to buy you a house. With a library and a garden and... a plan to remain there, with you, for whatever time we have.

[dothelokimotion]

[ oh. when he agreed to the marriage, loki knew he was convincing himself to play a fantasy. to the idea that he could have anything lasting on this journey, something that was his, that the anomaly couldn't tear away from him.

it blossomed into so much more.

he tugs william's knuckles to his lips as he blinks the tears away. ]

[thirtythird]

[The entire moment feels a bit like a lump in the throat. Nevertheless, William's lips can't be stopped from twitching up into a smile, fingers squeezing tighter.]

I'm certain. That's enough.

[dothelokimotion]

I — [ what is he supposed to do? chase the potential of a life with william? where he could be loved and live freely?

and what of thor? loki swore he wouldn't abandon thor again. could he choose selfishly? ] — I hope so.