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[compelledtoprotect]

Stop being so smart and perceptive. I'll make you leave.


[His voice was gruff, but a note of teasing was in it too. Steve knew they were in Loki's suite for one thing, and he didn't really mind having the man see through him. Well, he did, but at the same time he didn't. Loki had a lot more leeway than almost anyone else.]

[dothelokimotion]

Mmm.

[ loki rubs comforting circles into steve's back, cool hands sliding over his neck. ]

Speak. What happened?

[compelledtoprotect]

[Steve caught his breath on a sob, forcing it back down. But those cool hands, touching him so sweetly . . .]


I-I'm a monster.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki frowns. ]

That is absurd. You? Hardly.

[compelledtoprotect]

[He shook his head and pushed into those hands, taking the comfort they offered while it lasted.]


I am. I've done such terrible things! And I have no excuse. None. I've hurt people Loki. I've hurt them so badly . . .

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki runs his hands down steve's face gently. ]

Done what things?

[compelledtoprotect]

Bad things. Terrible things. And I don't even know why I did them! I don't understand myself Loki! I would never! I wouldn't! Why did I do all of it? Why did I try to justify my behavior? Why didn't I see what I was doing and stop?!


[Full confessions were hard and he wasn't there yet. But he was trying. The fact he could lose one of his closest friends still held him back. True, Loki had done terrible things and probably continued to hurt people, but that was something Steve had accepted a long time ago. He had a lot of friends who regularly did unspeakable things, though usually for a greater good. He'd done that himself more times than he wanted to count. But what he'd done in the hotel was nothing like that. Nothing.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki frowns. steve sounded frantic. he wonders if it's worth peeking into his thoughts to understand why the tenor of them was so traumatic. but he wouldn't do that to steve without permission. ]

Easy. Tell me what it is and we will find a solution.

[compelledtoprotect]

[If he knew Loki could just look in his mind, he might well give permission. It would be a lot faster and easier than saying things aloud, but that was also a coward's way out. If he couldn't even say the words, how was he ever going to start making up for his actions? Or learning better? Or whatever it was he needed to do . . .

Steve shook his head and wouldn't meet Loki's eyes, though he pulled one of the man's hands into both of his. It was comforting to stroke those long fingers and trace random shapes on the back.]


There is no solution Loki. I've hurt people and I can't take it back. I can't make it up. There's no way to apologize. There's just . . . so much regret . . .

[dothelokimotion]

Hurting people is a part of life, Steve. It happens.

[ accountability and all that jazz, though loki couldn't care less. ]

Did you apologize? Make amends?

[compelledtoprotect]

[He spoke to Loki's hand.]


I can't apologize. It goes beyond that. There's no way to fix it Loki. There's nothing I can do to make it better but just . . . just stay away. And try to live with the consequences of my horrific choices. Loki I hurt him. Over and over. I hurt both of them. Why did I do it? Why was I such a monster?