[It's the most apt description Loki could give. Thor wilts a little before nodding.]
Yeah. You did. Little though I like to think back on that moment.
[Staring into his glass for a moment, Thor takes a deep breath then turns to look at Loki. There's a question that's been plaguing him ever since that day and there's never been a good time to ask it. There still isn't one, but he has to ask, while things are as calm as they can be.]
[ ah. loki's surprised this wasn't asked sooner, though they did have other things on their mind. he plays with his glass, absently. ]
The Tesseract was meant to be my means of escape. In case of Earth or . . . other complications.
[ in case thor changed his mind. or asgard. loki wasn't a fool. one good deed didn't change his standing. the possibility of being thrown out was still likely. a quiet pause. ]
It was also meant to be my bargaining chip. The Tesseract for a life. You knowing those things wouldn't have changed it.
[It comes out a little terse. Because if Thor had known about the Tesseract, there's every chance Loki would have had to speak about Thanos too. And if they had known in advance--]
[How can Thor tell Loki now what he might have done differently? He can't go back to a time before he knew all of this and answer truthfully. He grits his teeth in frustration for a moment.]
I wasn't dismissing you. There was more I had to consider than just-- just you.
Damn it, Loki, I wasn't claiming it was. I just wanted-- an answer.
[A reason. Something to slot into the holes that were blown through his life so he can at least look at it and think, all right, that's what happened there.]
[ he purses his lips tightly before replying, in an even tone. ]
I took it because it presented an opportunity, a means of escape. I took it because we had nothing and it could have been a useful tool. I took it because I needed a way to leave if things changed between us.
The mistake I made was staying. I should have left. I should have died alone.
[Thor especially doesn't want to talk about Loki thinking it would have been better to die alone. He doesn't agree. Can't agree. He hates everything that happened, but imagining it going the same way with Loki isolated...?
He's silent for a long few moments before he speaks again, something defeated in his tone.]
If that had happened, I would never have known. I'd be expecting you to come back again.
Even if I thought that - [And he's not saying he would have. That's impossible to know.] - I would still expect to see you again sometime. After all, that has been the way of things for a while now.
[ loki closes his eyes briefly. he thinks of the black mark in his chest, thick hands around his neck and the absence of sound and light in the void. the way of things indeed. when he opens his eyes, they're clear and calm once more. ]
[If he's honest, Thor isn't certain he wouldn't be waiting for such a thing even when Loki had died right in front of him. Being here immediately after the fact ... it blunts that madness, keeps it at arms' length more than he could manage at home. That doesn't mean it can't linger sometimes.]
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Perhaps if you said it more often, I would grow used to it.
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Don't push your luck.
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Either way, it should be obvious. I made things painfully clear before my . . . parting.
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Yeah. You did. Little though I like to think back on that moment.
[Staring into his glass for a moment, Thor takes a deep breath then turns to look at Loki. There's a question that's been plaguing him ever since that day and there's never been a good time to ask it. There still isn't one, but he has to ask, while things are as calm as they can be.]
Why didn't you tell me you had the Tesseract?
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The Tesseract was meant to be my means of escape. In case of Earth or . . . other complications.
[ in case thor changed his mind. or asgard. loki wasn't a fool. one good deed didn't change his standing. the possibility of being thrown out was still likely. a quiet pause. ]
It was also meant to be my bargaining chip. The Tesseract for a life. You knowing those things wouldn't have changed it.
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[It comes out a little terse. Because if Thor had known about the Tesseract, there's every chance Loki would have had to speak about Thanos too. And if they had known in advance--]
You should have told me.
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And you would have done what, exactly? You wanted us to go to Earth. You wanted your friends. Friends who held Infinity Stones.
Even when I told you in this place, you dismissed me and my concerns.
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[How can Thor tell Loki now what he might have done differently? He can't go back to a time before he knew all of this and answer truthfully. He grits his teeth in frustration for a moment.]
I wasn't dismissing you. There was more I had to consider than just-- just you.
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No doubt.
[ still he waves a flippant hand. ]
It's not your mistake to bear.
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[A reason. Something to slot into the holes that were blown through his life so he can at least look at it and think, all right, that's what happened there.]
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I took it because it presented an opportunity, a means of escape. I took it because we had nothing and it could have been a useful tool. I took it because I needed a way to leave if things changed between us.
The mistake I made was staying. I should have left. I should have died alone.
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Don't. There's much I could be angry about with what happened - but claiming that is the worst of all.
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Just because you don't like it does not make it false, Thor.
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We both know it's true. You even believed it briefly when he came.
I should have done the right thing. But I chose to stay. That judgement is on me. And no one else.
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[With a sharp shake of the head, Thor looks away.]
I don't want to argue about this. There is little point - it already happened.
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. . . Fine.
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He's silent for a long few moments before he speaks again, something defeated in his tone.]
If that had happened, I would never have known. I'd be expecting you to come back again.
[Forever.]
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Would you? Or would it be more realistic your lying brother ran off when things got difficult?
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Fair enough.
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There are no truly good options.
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Just the one.